the day the music died...

It's been one week since my dad passed away. I ache, I physically ache.

I am still in shock - sometimes I literally scoff out loud because it seems absolutely absurd that he could no longer be "here". I cannot process this. i cannot!

then come the huge wave of emotions...

there are thoughts of all the things and moments i will miss with him, the moments my kids will miss - it seems so unimaginable.

i whispered in his ear at the hospital that i knew that even if he were 100 years old i would never be ready for him to go, but halfway there is just impossible for me to comprehend. i needed more time.

every morning since the day i got the call, i have thought... if i could somehow just go back 24 hours, 48 hours, then 72 hours, then a few days...and it goes on.

if somehow, i could travel back in time and beg him to go to the dr. or call him the morning of and convince him to just go straight to a hospital - i know these are crazy irrational thoughts, but i have them. every day, several times a day.

it just doesn't seem like it can be real.

and my life now seems to be divided into two parts:
1. when dad was alive
2. after dad passed away.
the spiderman balloon hovering in the bottom of my closet from ian's birthday party - dad was still here; the milk in the fridge that i pour into hudson's bottle - dad was still here; the beautiful flowers and plants sitting on my porch - after; the water sprinkler ian runs through laughing hysterically - after.

in the midst of this enormous pain, there is a peace that God has covered us with. He has kept me from exploding from the inside out - even though it feels like i am suffocating.

We had a Celebration Of Life for dad on thursday evening. we sat outside on his friend's land where he would spend many evenings playing guitar on the porch.

and i can say with everything that i am, that dad would have loved it!

when we walked into dad's house for the first time a week and a half ago, on the dry erase board hanging in his kitchen was the quote, "Be the change you wish to see in this world" - and Chris spoke about dad being that change.
people ate and remembered how goofy and fun and loving and talented he was.
his friends that he is in a band with played a song that he co-wrote called, "Goodbye Everybody" (it was written this past january and we found it in one of his guitar cases while he was still in icu).

Another way that God comforted us.

we watched a slideshow of pictures of pieces of his life. we stayed late into the night sitting on his friend's porch listening to them play their acoustic guitars and singing.

i hated to leave - it felt like he was there.

i know that dad is okay, i take peace in that. but i ache beyond words of the pain that is caused by the separation.

a Plethora of Precious Past-due Postworthy Pictures

First, I love alliterations. Second, here are some super cute random pictures that have been taken during our blog vacation...enjoy!

Birthdays (also belated;)

During our blog absence both of the boys had birthdays!!! Ian turned 3 and Hudson had his 1st birthday!! i cannot get over how fast time goes by with babies. they grow and change so quickly and each day they amaze me with something new.

sometimes i wish time would slow down just a little bit - that i could hold and snuggle them a little longer, carry them on my hip a few more months, get sweet wet kisses a couple more times. sometimes it's physically painful to think about how much i love them, but a joyful pain - i know that sounds crazy, but you mommas out there know what i'm talkin' about!! (by the way, shout out mommas for a happy mother's day!)

Ian turned the big 3 on March 17th. We had his birthday party at "Going Apes" in burleson. it was a lot of fun and easy (which i LOVE)!! Ian is smart and silly and sensitive to others and growing up so fast. He's into such "big boy" things now - he loves riding his bike and is now begging for a scooter. He likes to play Wii baseball and especially loves to play baseball outside with his daddy (who is a much better pitcher than mommy). He says some of the most hilarious things (which i'll start blogging more;). We love him more than we could ever express and are so thankful for such an amazing THREE year old!!


Hollie made Ian's awesome spiderman cake:

Here is Ian pre-party trying out the spiderman masks in the goodie bags


We had a blast jumping and sliding and playing guitar hero and jumping some more with our friends!!


Roger and Amber rockin' out ;)


waiting for some yummy cake!

Happy Birthday sweet boy!


Ian post-cake and punch and jumping;)

p.s. Ian's super cute shirt was made by Jennifer (Tag Your It Creations) - she makes LOTS of cute stuff.






My little, bitty baby Hudson turned a whole year old on March 26th!! He is so much different than Ian but just as awesome!! He's charming and goofy and oh, SO stubborn. we are so blessed to have two healthy, happy strong boys. i pray that God fills us with strength and patience and guidance in raising them.


Hudson's cake wasn't near as cute as i was hoping (that's what i get for going with a supermarket;)


Two incredibly handsome guys wearing my latest creation;)



Hudson's first experience with cake went a little like this....

Then bathtime!!!!


And then it's time for presents!!

Do I eat this or open it?!?!


Happy birthday my sweet boys!!! I am SO thankful for you both and love you SO, SO much!!!

BELATED!!

okay, so it's been a really long time since i've updated....a REALLY long time! i keep meaning to sit down and go through all of our photos and collect my thoughts and to just write an amazing post that will redeem me from being on hiatus for 3 1/2 months....but now there's so much pressure;) but here goes (and by the way, i have committed myself - not to the looney bin just yet, but to update AT LEAST once a week from now on)

Let's start with the boys Christmas photo (wow, this is sad!)


For more precious photos from Christmas 2008 check them out here.

Umm...the rest of January and February are pretty much a blurr but here are some random pics from the camera on my phone (excuse the high quality) and some from our friend Jackson's b-day party at Main Stay Farms in late February.

Ian and our friend Camdyn hanging out at the awesome playground at Main Stay Farms - I should have gotten a picture of the awesome tree house and everything else - it was incredible!!

Camdyn and Ian stopping for a quick farmer pose


....and the best part of any birthday party....CAKE!!!!


Our friend Boston had a fun Easter egg hunt and train ride at the zoo the week before Easter. The boys had a blast playing on the playground, hunting eggs, and their first train ride!

Hudson LOVED swinging!!

Big brother Ian giving Hudson a little push


Hudson and Ian riding the train

We celebrated Easter with an awesome morning of worship and then had two more egg hunts - one at aunt Susan's with lots and lots of candy and another at grandma Shunk's where the eggs were filled with quarters!!! Ian was SO excited to find the quarters - I think he ended up banking around $6 to put in his piggy bank.
grandma Doris and Hudson (his favorite part was shaking the eggs;)


Ian had SO much fun!


Since I've yet to figure out an easy way to drag pictures around on here - I'm going to post the boy's birthday pics and fun in a separate post. So...until then (and the plan is about a half hour;)...ENJOY!!!