Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tis' the Season...

This has quite literally been the hardest year of my life.

I watched the man who use to carry me to bed on his feet pass from this world. I begged God to save him, to heal him, to give me more time, more conversations, for my boys to know him more....more, more, more. He said, no. He healed him - but not how I asked.

I have fallen to a pile on the floor in anguish because my heart feels like it will literally burst from pain. But I lived.

I have been angry and distant from my God. I have relived reasons to justify my fury with my husband. I have thought divorce would be a welcome peace more than a dozen times.

If it were not for my two boys, I could have easily driven for days, weeks, months without looking back. Convincing myself that leaving my life behind would be easier than continuing the one I had. and maybe it would be.

I have challenged my choice of jobs, wondering if it ever really was my gift - allowing the overwhelming push of the paper to make me doubt.

most recently, I have knocked, rather pounded and screamed (with thousands of warriors) at God's door to heal the body of a college friend... a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, passionate follower of His. He took her home.

Months and months, I have begged for peace. and He finally answered...or maybe I finally listened. This past Sunday night I went to bed angry, resentful, unforgiving and begging, begging, begging God for peace, for PEACE!!!

He said, Okay...but Listen!

Monday morning I woke up - and I listened.
I prayed over my children; prayed over my husband (whom the day before I wanted out of my life). I drove to work and I listened. I drove home and I listened. I loved on my husband (whom I wanted out of my life the day before) and listened. I played with my kids and I listened.
and you know what...the peace came, it encompassed me, cradled me, held me close and protected me. Even that afternoon when Jenny, my friend, went to be with Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm all of a sudden okay or completely healed...but I'm learning to listen and I'm working and allowing work to be done in me. I'm embracing this new season.

This season of healing and hope.


Heidi said...

I love you and love that you shared such an awesome story of are healed and will continue to receive that healing. We need to go celebrate your good news!! Girls dinner sounds good to me, what about you??? I am SOOOOO excited for you and your sweet family!

I hope Ian is okay after he and Ryan's WWF match yesterday??

Steve said...

I love you!

Leilanni said...

I love your transparency - and by doing that you have unleashed our prayers as well against the enemy. I will be praying for continued peace - peace that passes understanding! Love you!

Bron said...

Oh Rachel...what a beautiful writer you are! So honest and open! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and pain, we all have low moments and I know it will only get better from here!
Love ya,

The Potts Family said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so hard when we don't understand why our God is allowing things to happen that hurt us.

I never even knew Jenny, but she touched my life. I found her blog ( ) along the lines somewhere and her words inspired me to be a better mother, to be a better wife. Specifically, she has inspired my prayer life. She wrote a post about praying over her daughter Malaya and it touched me so much. Her words gave me such encouragement to pray deeply, with specific prayers over my precious child.
It is still a tragic loss to this earth that an amazing woman of such faith is no longer here.....but, oh....can you imagine the joy in Heaven? Jenny is seeing the face of Jesus - she is face to face with the glory that flowed out of her pores during her life here on earth.

I will be keeping you in my prayers as you heal and continue to grieve. I pray that you continue to listen to God and to find his peace every single day. And, read Jenny's is such a testament of faith and her legacy. I've not read the entire thing yet but I am SO inspired by her words.

I pray for God to protect your marriage and your family. Satan always comes in with more heartbreak when we're already in a vulnerable position. Start praying together, reading scripture together -such power in his word! Put the armor of Christ on and fight for your marriage and your peace. God has given you all you need to conquer Satan's schemes.

Love you! I wish we lived closer!
Again, thank you for sharing this. I love your heart and I know God is going to lift you out of this pit.